J.C.
And, while Richard went off to buy
a car which we could modify,
This Volvo has very few buttons,
and that's a good thing, but each
one seems to do 28 different things
depending on how you push it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
J.C.
Hey, bad news.
You know when the Tories
came to power they said
they were going to up the motorway
speed limit to 80? Yeah.
Well, the new Transport Secretary
who's called something dreary -
Patrick McLoughlin -
has had a rethink. 
R.H.
Oh, God.
J.C.
No, he says that he's unlikely to
up it to
80 because in his
constituency there's a very bad
road where a lot of people get hurt.
J.M.
Yeah, this is quite interesting,
isn't it?
His constituency is
the Derbyshire Dales
and we had a look at a map
and there are no motorways there.
J.C.
What this means,
ladies and gentlemen,
is our Transport Secretary
in Great Britain
doesn't know what a motorway is.
The man is a blithering idiot.
J.M.
No, but in all seriousness,
you can't really have a Minister
for Transport who isn't interested
in, for example, cars and roads.
J.C.
It's be like making you
the Governor of the Bank Of England.
R.H.
Don't do that. 
J.C.
No, cos he's not
interested in the economy.
J.M.
No, but I could sort it out.
J.C.
How?
J.M.
Well, I could sort out
the budget deficit.
Well, I'd find out how much it was
and then I'd write a cheque for that
amount from the Bank Of England.
R.H.
He probably has a point!
That could do it.
J.C.
Well, maybe he should...
R.H.
That's economics covered.
J.M
I'd also have minted a £9.99 note
to make life easier for shopkeepers.
Can I just say, actually,
changing the motorway speed limit
to 80 miles an hour
wouldn't actually make a blind
bit of difference, would it?
Because everybody in the outside
lane of the motorway is doing 95.
J.C.
They are. No, they are. People go,
"Everyone does 80 on the motorway,"
and they don't,
they're doing 95 in the outside.
R.H.
So all an 80-mph speed limit would do
is reduce the income
from speeding fines,
cos you're only going to be doing
15 miles an hour over the limit
rather than 25...
J.C.
that on a weekday afternoon -
I'm not talking about weekends
when the roads are clogged up
with people in Peugeots
going to B&Q
to buy more hideous decking.
I'm talking about
a weekday afternoon,
Britain has the best
standard of driving
you'll find anywhere in the world.
J.M.
You're right. I would agree
with that. 
R.H.
It's a big claim.
J.C.
Is it? Right, let's run through
the opposition, shall we?
The Germans all do
150 on the autobahn
that far (5-6 cm) behind the car in front.
They do. T
he Italians are mad.
The French can't get to the grocers
without crashing into a field.
The Americans are belligerent,
the Australians are drunk,
hasn't got the hang of it yet.
R.H.
No, I'll... Yeah.
Hang on. No.
J.C.
What?
R.H.
What about...
What about the Scandinavians?
Cos they're pretty handy.
J.M.
No, they're not half as good
as they think they are.
R.H.
Really?
J.C.
They always say, "I can drive..."
I won't do the accent.
"I can drive..."
R.H.
Overreached yourself there,
didn't you?
J.C.
They always say, "I can drive
at 75 miles an hour on sheet ice,"
and that's true, they can, but they
don't tell you the other thing -
they crash all the time!
J.M.
There isn't a florist window
anywhere in Scandinavia
that hasn't got a crashed van
halfway through it.
They just spin off constantly.
J.C.
They do.
R.H.
OK, so scrub
the Scandinavians. We are the best.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
J.C.
Hammond, would you
like to set the sat nav, please?
R.H.
Yep, we have a choice of
four destinations -
home, post office, Peggy's house or
bingo. 
J.C.
Yes, we do.
R.H.
What do you fancy?
J.C.
A bit of bingo?
R.H.
I fancy a bit
of bingo.
R.H.
A bit of bingo. It's in.
J.C.
There you go.
Sat Nav
You have selected bingo.
If you wouldn't mind turning left,
that would be smashing.
J.C.
You see, now that's what
I call a sat-nav instruction!
It's so much better than
the German ones.
GO LEFT AT ZE NEXT ROUNDABOUT
OR YOU WILL BE SHOT!
R.H.
Who wants to be told by a German
where to go?
J.C.
I know!
Or a young German.
R.H.
Well, that!